Mi Casa is not Su Casa, Sincerely, Tony Stark
by JeDorsToutLeTemps
Summary: It started with Bruce. ;/; team!fic, in an au world where phase 2 did not happen


It started with Bruce.

Okay, no, it started with Pepper. Wait. Did it start with Jarvis? Was he forgetting his Best Buddy For Life? (On that note, was that even possible?)

Well... Jarvis was always there, was always meant and intended to be there, in his tower. So. He doesn't count.

So - it starts with Pepper. But, listen, Tony _wants_ her to live with him, you see - _shorter commute_, he says, _I'd feel better if you were more accessible to me, and if you're in the tower, I might actually sleep_, he says. She's oddly easy to convince, but he doesn't pay it any mind (yet - he will later). She starts out on the floor under his - he couldn't convince her to live on his, even in a different room - clear up until he gets his shit together and asks her out. A few dates, and several rounds of amazing sex in his bed (!) later, and she moves into his room.

Then, Loki and New York happens, and he meets Bruce Goddamn Banner. Bruce Goddamn Banner was a SCIENCE! ray of light in a sea of Angst, Man Pain and Smelly (Really, _Really_ Smelly) Desperation. He was clearly what God had intended all best friends to be like - if he was getting cheesy, he would say a yin to his yang, but ew.

(Now, Tony would never forget Jarvis, but hear him out. A SCIENCE! guy with breath taking anger issues and also Daddy Issues (TM) just like him? How could he not. He _couldn't_ not. It wasn't possible.)

Banner was not as easily convinced to move in as Pepper - Tony had to do a lot of bitching/moaning, complaining and downright bribing (of the _I'll bomb the shit out of the US Army, if you want, that's a promise_ variety). Bruce finally put his SCIENCE! down and told him that he would move in, but Tony had to shut the ever living fuck up for it to happen. Tony could do that. For, at most, 10 minutes. He'd do that for Bruce. Maybe he should do it for Pepper, too? No, that would strain him too much. Better to stick to one facet of his life at first, get some practice in.

Bruce can be attributed to the idea of having the other Big Damn Heroes move in with them. Tony actually _reconstructs_ his tower around the idea of people living there, and not just short people like him, Bruce and Pepper (who Tony is kinda sure loves Bruce more than him because he picks up his stuff and doesn't drink and then SCIENCE!). No, he's talking hulking figures such as Captain 6"1 America and Thor, the God of Thunder and Ceiling Sweeper (his hair must have added an inch, Tony wouldn't be surprised).

(He adds in three shooting ranges, an art studio, a room with a ballet barre and a sun room made for stargazing more than anything. Shh.)

Of course, he doesn't quite understand exactly what he's done until Hawkeye comes in one day, a bag slung over his shoulder and a greeting that was pitiful - he said "Stark, I'm on the run from SHIELD for a few days until I get settled somewhere. I know you like to piss Fury off, figured I'd come here, you know, to ward him off my trail and stuff." - and then acted as though he owned the tower with Tony's name on it.

Now, Tony is a nice man. He is! Philanthropy isn't just a PR thing to him, no matter how much he makes it seem like it is to the public. So, he shuts the tower down to anyone SHIELD, and points Hawkeye in the direction of his room (the one Tony picked for him because of the view), and then one of the ranges, just in case.

Tony's thoughts go to Natasha long enough to think about if she'll follow Hawkeye to his tower, and spares a moment to moan and regret his life choices and possibly roll around in self-pity.

Natasha came a few days later, to Tony's utter fear, and Tony decided that he should not have been declared a genius, because he was clearly a dumb ass. He locked himself in his lab, wallowing in self-pity because, that's right, _She-Ra was in his tower and was friends with his girlfriend and he was at her mercy (and it was all Bruce's fault!)_. Clint crawled into the vents on the floor his lab was on, and laughed at him. Clint went through all of the trouble to get to his floor, just to laugh at him. Fucking really.

Tony briefly considered evicting everyone and living like a hermit for the rest of his days. It didn't sound too bad, actually. Pepper could manage around SI. Sounded like a done deal to him. He scrapped the idea when he realized he didn't want to be alone.

Eventually, he got used to having two super spies living in his tower, crawling in his vents, going through his stuff, and everything was good - or, as good as it could be with the egos of Tony, Clint, Natasha and Bruce all squished into three floors. His took up at least one, and Natasha and Clint's went through their floor to the one above it, Bruce's. He felt kinda bad for Pepper and Jarvis and Happy, but hey, these people could be called friends and he didn't have that many, so His Non Super-Powered People would just have to deal.

It was kinda - no, wait not kinda completely and _horribly_ scary whenever said assassins decided to just show up out of no where. He was sure his heart would go right through the Arc Reactor in fright. But what's a little heart attack between friends, _amirite_?

Things settled.

Then, Thor came back down the summer after New York got it's ass beaten, and Tony offered him a room (because, again, he was a nice person). It was part time, because Thor had Jane Foster, Erik Selvig and Darcy Lewis waiting for him in New Mexico, and also because Thor didn't actually live on Earth.

Tony really fucking hoped it was part time. He may have planned around his giant teammate's height, but still, Thor would be too much. He'd take up too much space, they'd have to fit his ego into their three-floor plan, and not to mention, he wasn't used to "Midgardian" customs, and in those early days, Tony was walking around with a buck-ass nude god, who's junk was practically at his shoulders. (Screaming "fucking make it stop" and curling into a ball with his hands over his eyes only seemed to confuse Thor, and make him come closer and - shudder.)

He didn't want Asgardians running around his tower with their junk swinging around and almost punching him in the face. He really, truly _did not_.

Tony _hopeshopeshopes_ that Thor is part-time. Honestly, he wouldn't mind housing the God whenever, but full time would just be too much for Tony. (And Bruce and Natasha and Clint, and even Pepper, who he wanted nowhere near divine packages.)

So to even it out, and while Thor is covering every inch of his tower with Godly Junk Cooties, Tony goes after Steve. They aren't friends, but Tony thinks it comes with the territory. Steve had come from the time that America was supreme, and Tony knew just how fucking awful it was. No to mention the roadkill elephant in the room - Daddy Dearest.

Still. Tony feels like it's his responsibility to help the guy, and what better way than to expose him to Thor's nakedness?

Hint. There wasn't one.

Tony may be a nice guy, but that rarely negated his asshole tendencies.

Chasing the guy down was kinda tedious - _"WHICH ONE OF YOUR COMPOUNDS DOES HE LIVE AT, FURY, JUST TELL ME, I'LL LEAVE YOUR EYESIGHT AND GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR. DO YOU WANT ME TO BEG? I'LL BEG, GODDAMMIT. I WILL! THAT'S A THREAT. NO - IT'S A PROMISE."_ \- but he did it anyway. The older - younger? He was like, 26, wasn't he? Tony was older than that, but Steve was also at least 95, so - guy lived in Brooklyn, and they'd given him a place that screamed hipster. Like, literally screamed. Tony could actually hear all of the people who had died looking in the place's general direction's wails of agony.

Steve wasn't home when he showed up, so Tony picked the lock - thank you, Clint, note to self; get Clint more cereal, don't skimp on the marshmallows - and barged in like always. The place was cluttered, and Tony didn't stop to wonder why the pinnacle of humanity couldn't keep his shit together. No, he went looking for porn mags, books, and any other reading (or "reading") material, figuring it would be easier for them all if he started the packing himself.

What? He was conventional. Shoot him.

He found some very interesting notebooks with sketches and drawings in them - they ranged from Brooklyn, 1939, to European battlefields, 1944, and wasn't that a head trip - and a few books, all written pre-war.

When Steve got back to his place, he had sensed that something was wrong - note to self: do not leave doors unlocked for _christssakes_ \- and Tony was almost killed by his childhood hero. Fun experience, in the end, not traumatizing at all, no nope certainly not.

On that note, the whole last from the past thing probably wasn't good for the guy's mental state. It had to be pretty fragile, anyway, so whatever was going on with his decoration skills were more than likely holding him back. He briefly wondered if Thor's dick would faze him. It had sure surprised Clint, which was always a fun story. (He'd walked into the kitchen, seen Thor's ass, Thor turned around, and Clint dropped to the ground in a dead faint. It was _probably_ because he'd lost a lot of blood on his latest mission, but Tony would forever hold it against him.)

Steve is a struggle to convince, but again, Tony feels he has a responsibility to the guy, and will stop at nothing.

The first thing Tony subjects Steve to at the tower is Thor's junk. Steve managed to keep his eyes up, a blush off his cheeks, and an unassuming air around him, which had Tony infinitely jealous and also gaping. How...? What...?

Fuck, even Natasha had brazenly stared, and this blushing virgin didn't even give a shit? When had the Earth stopped in it's orbit and let him off?

The first meal together had been tainted by Tony's unending curiosity about how it would all work out, and was surprised to find that they all got along pretty well. I mean, they fought together, sure, but before that it had been one of their own against all of them and scathing comments all around for the rest of them - _you're a laboratory experiment_ and _stop pretending to be a hero_ and _threat list_ and _time bomb_ and _petty_.

It was kind of a miracle they weren't at each other's throats, if he said so himself.

(He spoke a little too early, evidently, because after dinner, Clint started up a game of Mario Kart and apparently, some of them got really, _really_ into it? It was traumatizing, honestly. He had made the ultimate mistake when he made them a place to stay.)

(Except, only not really, because they also had some really good burns that he would steal and use in the future.)


End file.
